Kashaani Rhea Kavin

If i remember clearly...24th December 2009 was our engagement so it means we've been married for 3 years and the On 24th January 2013 we got a beautiful angel Kashaani Rhea Kavin.. Isn't she the most cutest darling you've ever seen? Life hasn't been the same since then. Let me share my experience of going to labour for 1.5hours. Yup you heard me right... an hour and a half. I got the contraction pain at about 5pm on 24th January. My husband was in Singapore for a comedy show. Hey what can i say, i thought she wont be out till 30th January. Then the pain was getting more and it made me go poo poo.. i thought maybe its just something i ate. After that i saw some blood which confirmed the labour since i had Braxton Hicks once before. My in laws rushed me to the hospital immediately and when i reached there it was around 7.30pm. The doctor checked and said i was only 2cm dilated and wiggled her finger inside me to help the process. The wiggling caused my water to break. And the pain became more intense and i felt like i wanted to push already but the nurses claim i need to wait longer before i am fully dilated. I kept telling them to check again and when they did, they were surprised that i was 4cm dilated within 20mins. Then they asked the nurses to help push me to the delivery room. I asked for epidural but because i was too far dilated they couldn't offer me. I must say... my daughter couldn't wait anymore...at 9.10pm my daugther was born. 

 

And this is her being one month plus. 

My journey...

After my mother's 1month prayer was done, end of May 2012  we found out that we were expecting.  

I kept  telling my husband that my period was late and he wasn't that bothered. He kept saying maybe it's just one of those days but truth is i never have late periods. It's always on time. SO i bought a test kit and tested and there's the result. What do you think?? I was so sad at that moment.. the 1st person i wanted to share the news was gone. It seemed not fair. I wanted her to enjoy everything in this life including the honour being a grandmother but she never got the opportunity to feel how it feels like to be a grandmother and hold and play with the own grandchild. Life isn't fair. Mum, meet your granddaugther.

And this is me being 9months pregnant..people keep telling me that i got a smaller tummy for a 9month belly...well that doesn't mean it's going to be less painful.. is it?? But i must say, the whole journey it was so beautiful.. no word and ever describe the exact feeling. Love you darling...

A story you like to know...

I know my last post was dated May 2012.. but the one before that was dated December 2011..I mean wow, it does look bad with me keeping time or track of time. But truth is after 2011 ended...the start of 2012 was just normal until something really unexpected took place that it took a turn for me.. which i tried hard not to think about it completely. The start of March 2012, my mother took ill.. she was already diagnosed with kidney failure due to her long time battling with high blood pressure. But sometimes people say, when you got people standing strong with you battling the illness it seems alot easier.. as you know they will always have your back no matter what. But somehow due to some unforeseen circumstances, my mother was taken really ill that she was admitted in the hospital. I was shocked and rushed immediately to her. She wasn't looking good. I was completely crushed. I knew my mother needed me now more than ever.   Being a working person myself, i put my mother before everything.. I thought if i loose my job, so what? I can always find another one..but if i loose my mother? I couldn't complete that thought... So for what seemed forever, i traveled back and forth from KL and Ipoh and attending overnight to my mother in the hospital. My husband was very supportive and came over to help as well. One fine day.. to my surprise, i ended up in the hospital with an epileptic seizure. The first attack. I knew it was due to the stress and lack of sleep i was in taking care of my mother. That night i was admitted myself, my mother's illness took a toll for the worst. The next morning I found out from a casket guy that my mother had passed away. I  was devastated! I immediately checked out of the hospital and rushed to see her. I was so sad that they had already wrapped her up with the cloth. I couldn't even see her. Then we started to attend to the necessary. 

It wasn't the same from that day forward. My best friend was gone forever. I had no one to talk to. I mean yes i have my husband, but it wasn't the same. After all the prayers was over, the next one wasn't for a months time. I thought to take my mind off the lost, a vacation would help. So my husband and i, we decided to go to Kota Kinabalu, Sabah. It was already a trip bought through the Groupon when it was in promotion.

It was a nice get away.. We both enjoyed the trip..  going to the foot of the mountain and seeing it so close, and did other activities like walking through a hanging bridge which my husband was terrified off.. and so was I.  On the way back we were late as there was a landslide that cause the road to be closed for clearance and we were scared that we're gonna miss our flight as we didn't anticipate such an event. And the taxi driver suggested another road but apparently it was further and to make it in time he started driving very fast. I felt like i left my heart at the foot of the Kota Kinabalu mountain.. I started praying hard to god to bring us safe to the airport and while at it..i also asked that i wish i was pregnant. I felt like he was listening and i should take advantage of the moment. And to my amazement I found out that I was pregnant after coming back from KK. My husband and i, we were speechless. I felt it was a miraculous moment being in Kota Kinabalu and that the spiritual energy gave what i wanted and wished for the most. 

And with that i shall end today's post.. catch me on the next. 

Disappearance Act.. Now You See Me... Now You Don't

Gosh, i know what you're thinking. Where have you been? Wait...who am i kidding...who is actually taking time to read this boring blog? Sad but true.. when you have something unorthodox to say, then people get really interested to read. "Unorthodox? Like what?" Being lesbian or being married but fantasizing about other men or a threesome. Now those headlines would definitely catch viewers and readers and it'll definitely keep my blog going..Hahaha... Sorry to disappoint you, whoever you are..but unfortunately if i were to write those things..even if it's just a story i created to escape those routine everyday life..i'm dead sure people i know, or know me would completely believed it to words as though it's my own life experience that i am sharing..Come on la.. who in the right mind would share something this private on blogs? Gosh... i can't begin to imagine...

But sometimes i wonder..What if i start writing some romantic stories just to give the benefit of being able to throw ourselves in those moments that we have forgotten due to hectic life. I remember when i was 17, just after my SPM examination with so much time in my hands, my aunt gave me a paper bag full of romantic novels to read. That's when i knew, the power of words and writing. The emotion you could feel by just assuming you're the character the novel is about. But gosh i must admit, i was completely naive back then..when i read those slutty scenarios and some dirty moments, it was literally obscene to me almost like watching porn.

           
I threw the book away..only to go look for it after a few days. Hahahaha...Sorry to say..some books that i threw, i never picked them up again..way to slutty for my liking..but some books have just a little touch of that magic to keep you wanting more. Hey don't judge me.

So should i or should i not start writing a small romantic story??? 

Have you ever felt like you might have married the wrong man?

I know what you might be thinking right now... Oh my god, Nisha.. what happened? Nothing! The thing is sometimes when you're arguing with your husband and in so much anger, you probably have this question come flying. I guess every marriage has to go through this period. I'm glad somehow i did have this episode, which is embarrassing to admit though. I felt like i cheated on my husband. But then after we made up, the anger subsided then all the thought just seemed ridiculous. That's when i knew. This is it. No matter how angry you can get with your better half and you probably feel like you want to kill him at that moment*not literally though* somehow when he says the perfect thing, you just realize why you chose him in the first place.
      
Having to talk about this, i started looking back in time. Where i was 8 years ago. I was 22 years old, studying in University, met an adorable man who happens to be my savior. Not only did he safe me physically but also mentally and emotionally. I am and will be forever in debt for that. But today i am married to another man who happens to understand my independence and freedom and loves me for who i am. I still remember the dating period. It was sweet. Being a gentleman, he puts me first, calls me to say hi, pulls out the chair for me, lets me walk inside next to him while he walks at the edge of traffic, allows me to have my favorites, and on and on... Yes.. today we're married. These things on the list has reduced... he forgets to do some of those stuff... but i guess it doesn't matter. Like that skeleton... you can die waiting for the perfect man whom we believe does not exist. And even if he does exist and he looks like Homer... THANKS!! But NO THANKS!!! i rather not... I decided to accept the fact that my husband isn't perfect *he doesn't think so* He's just normal just the way he is. .. but he's real and there for me.


So i guess what i'm trying to say is that cut the men some slack. Clear our heart. Let it go. Life's a journey. It's not a fairy tale..We shouldn't waste our time thinking of what if... since we got something sweet and nice working here, all it takes is a little more effort from both parties. You just need to make some adjustments. I know what you're thinking. Adjustments? Why? But i hate to tell you this, no partnership will ever work without some sort of understanding and adjustments. Only then it would work smoothly. Otherwise you'd end up fighting and arguing..why? because adjustment is compromising..


And when you do take that effort..and compromise.. everything else will fall into place. You would probably feel like it's all meant to be and that you're perfect for each other...and at that time, yes you both are perfect man and woman...but for each other. You might not argue anymore.. cause you understand each other so well. I know i have a lot to work for.. to reach that level, but at least i acknowledge that i am not perfect either.. and before we start pointing fingers for blame.. we should look at ourselves too.. So i guess this is sort of like my 2012 New Year's Resolution... to make effort and compromise....and also to reduce this stubborn inches off my waist...

Why is it so hard to make friends after 30??

Hey..first of all i know it's been so very long since i last posted something here. I really don't know how people do this on regular basis... gosh sometimes when your day is so hectic, you look forward to coming home from work to some rest and peace of mind.. and when i get home.. i just get really lazy especially blogging... hehehehe... excuses...excuses... yeah..yeah...yeah... what's new? Hehehehe sorry.. can't help it.
    
Anyway..lets come to my question in hand. "Why is it so hard to make friends after 30"?? Why? Really? I mean i know when you're in school (either primary or secondary including tuition centers) you get to meet a lot of friends in those venues. It's easy. You guys have so much in common.. you play together.. you joke around.. it's as easy as ABC.. And when you go to college or university, some of your good school friends either decided to follow (as you have probably discussed earlier) you or decided to stay in touch whenever you come home for a visit. Then you complete your studies...and head to the working life.. You realize some of your genuine friends are still around, through the hard and the good times.. But of course sometimes they fail and fall-out-of-friendship... So...now that you're working... you meet some friends in your work place. You take that coffee break, talk about work...and of course gossip... hehehe and movies, life...husbands, wives.. and so much more.. You go out for lunch and share the rest of the stuff too..
                    
Annual dinners, team building events.. and you're simply inseparable... you adore your friends because you realize he/she knows you as well as yourself. Your husbands or wives might not even know you that well. Why? Because these friends are not judgmental and they're sincere. No matter what you guys discuss it's between the 2 of you and it stays between the 2 of you. Now that's a true friendship.
Ask yourselves.. How many  of us are blessed with such friends? Or how many friends do you have? Imagine  you got many friends but they're not genuine or sincere but if you have 1 genuine friend that makes up for everything. It's that simple. But sometimes when you're married... especially if you're a woman, you realize most of your female friends are either married and went their separate ways with their husbands or they moved to different states to work..but mostly married and moved away. Truth be told. So you end up alone. I don't know how these men manage to stay friends with their primary school friends..still... even when they are working... I should salute them... they're good... but i guess there are other issues..lets not talk about it..
Anyway... since my husband is in the entertainment industry...sometimes i get some alone time.. well.. alittle too much for my liking... he goes off to S'pore and other places for comedy shows and work too... I get bored at  home. I do have one really good friend but how often can you keep calling the same friend out on a week... especially when sometimes she's busy with work... so times like this, i wish i had other good friends i can call to come over for a slumber party (stay over) or go out for a drink... or dinner... just hang out... talk girlie things... When i thought well i can just make new friends... i realized it's not easy. Where do i meet them? When you're Christian or Catholic you can meet friends in the common Church they go to. So where should i go? Dance class? Cooking class?? Hmm.... sounds nice but really?

So how do someone make friends after 30? Anyone?

The Journey..

I know what you're thinking... "really? Isn't it too early to have this talk?".... yea... this time i gotta agree with you. It is kinda early to talk about this, but somehow when you're at that turn-point you can't help but to ask where is this life is leading to.. Hmmm i wonder, what if i took all the opposite directions, what if i chose the other option than the ones i have chosen all my life...where would it have landed me.... somehow i feel like there wasn't much that would've been different looking at how my life turned out....i guess... or would it? Don't you have that feeling? Like instead taking the bus, you decided to drive or ... instead of having dinner alone, you decided to call a friend.. or instead of doing engineering, you did performing arts to begin with... would you have been the same? I suppose i'm questioning all the choices i have ever made? Was it meant to be? Being Hindu, it doesn't help as i'm suppose to say that they're meant to be as Hinduism believes in karma and consequences... so it's only rationale to say that life made me choose these choices and today have landed me where i am.. bummer...



Even though my choices landed me here... what would i call my life?? Perfect? Awesome? Sucks? It does makes you wonder..... should i remain sane, optimistic or should i be a little crazy and insane on my choices?  Right now i'm at a cross-road...and i'm thinking hard, should i do this or not? Would it lead to where i am hoping it would or would it be awful and it's too late to change anything because i'm way deep and it's not the direction i want to be in... I need some advice... i'm thinking if i should my do my phd... truth is it isn't all the confusion, just that the choice of field seems a little "new" to me... a little out of my comfort-zone too.... so should i do it? will i regret it later? would i need to consider a new career then? Would that mean i would have to struggle a little to get there like leave the current job? I know any phd study wouldn't be as easy as saying it... 4 years of hard-work.. i guess it isn't easy when you're on your own... nothing is...

I wish i have people to help me... to share the thoughts... get ideas... I wish...


This is so true.... don't you agree? I must say i only got like 2 really good friends whom i can truly rely on time of need. That doesn't mean that i'm not friendly just that i realized the worth of some and decided it's not for me. I'm not selfish either... just that when you got friends that constantly expect things from you but do not engage in any other selfless activity then you know your true friends.. That's how i learnt. The hard way.